The Monster Under the Bed

       When I was 19 I dropped out of college and moved back in with my parents. When people asked why, I told them it was because I didn’t like the University I was attending, I wanted to save money by moving back home, and I wanted to get a job so I could start making my own money. What I didn’t tell them was that I was too depressed to be living alone. That I didn’t leave my room most days and that I was barely functioning.
       Why didn't I just tell people that? Because like most people, I'm really uncomfortable talking about any mental health issues, let alone my own. Which is exactly what JoEllen Notte's new book The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren’t Having is about. Don’t let the title fool you though. Yes, the book is the intersection of sex and depression, but JoEllen has so many good points to make about depression and general, that I think everyone should read it.

A picture of a black kindle, with the cover page for JoEllen Notte's
book: The Monster Under the Bed displayed

       When my father came to help me move home (I was living in the dorms) he was appalled at the living conditions that had become normal to me. Despite being a licensed clinical psychologist with (at that point) almost 30 years of experience, my father said and did all of the wrong things. Instead of helping and making me feel better, he re-enforced the myths about depressed people being lazy and made me feel 120% shittier about the situation.
       In chapter six, “Your Team in Action”, JoEllen gives a list of things not to say to a depressed person. A lot of the things that my dad (and let’s be honest, lots of other people too) told me when I moved back home after dropping out of school are on that list. You might think that offering platitudes to a person suffering from depression can’t be that harmful, but JoEllen breaks down how saying certain things, like “you just need to exercise more” can really feed into a depressed person’s feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. She even offers things that you can say/do instead that might actually help.

       I was formally diagnosed with AD(H)D when I was about 9, and the diagnoses of depression (or more technically, dysthymia) that followed at some point in either Middle School or High School wasn’t exactly a surprise. My ADD made focusing on school a struggle, and my academic failures (don’t even get me started on being a former “gifted” kid) already had me feeling worthless before depression took a hold of my brain.
       I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years in therapy, but I can’t really tell you if it helped or not. I was prescribed a variety of different medications, but my ADD makes remembering to take a pill every day really difficult, so I never took anything consistently enough to know if it really made a difference. Overall, my therapists (and yes, there were many of them) focused on “managing” my ADD symptoms while just making sure that I wasn’t suicidal. So I never really had anyone listen to me about my depression, or make me feel like it was something that was important enough to get treatment for (besides being given some basic antidepressants and told that should help).

       When I first heard about JoEllen’s book (back in January, I think… which feels like a year ago at least) I knew I wanted to read it. I don’t usually go in for the “self-help” genre of books, but this one felt different. And it was, it is. It’s the only book about depression I’ve read that was written by someone who gets it. JoEllen gets depression in a way that my therapists, parents (both therapists themselves), friends and partner just don’t. Depression is something that can be very alienating. It makes us feel alone and isolated. Having to constantly explain (and justify) your symptoms and experiences to people doesn’t really help with this. Reading this book made me feel less alone. Because it made me feel heard. JoEllen’s experiences aren’t exactly the same as mine, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that for the first time in a long time, I felt like someone else really understood what I was going through. And that can make all the difference when you feel like you’re the only depressed person in the world

       This post is getting long and rambly, and feeling a bit less like a proper review. So let’s just jump into who I would recommend this book to:

Obviously, anyone suffering with depression
Again, I can’t emphasize enough that JoEllen’s book just made me feel so validated. Reading certain pages and passages just made me feel like my experiences were real and valid and that my feelings are normal! If you take nothing else away from this book, know this: “You get to be wherever you are”

Partners of depressed people
Like I’ve said before, even if sex isn’t a problem in your particular relationship, there is so much good information in here about how to live with and support depressed partners that I would recommend it to anyone, regardless of what their sex life looks like.

Basically everyone
As JoEllen points out, not enough people are talking about sex and depression, let alone the intersection of sex and depression. You would think that growing up with therapists for parents would make me more comfortable talking about mental health. But nope, I’m just as uncomfortable as everyone else. This is one of the reasons that this book is so important. It can help us all have important conversations about important topics.


I loved this book, and I think that lots of other people (especially anyone reading this blog) will too. So support JoEllen Notte’s work, buy this book and use it to talk to your friends and partner(s) about sex and mental health.

Submit! To Pleasure

A few months ago when Rachel Kramer Bussel over at Cleis Press asked me if I wanted to review another book for them, I almost literally jumped at the chance. See, right now I'm actually in graduate school, working on getting my Master's of Library and Information Science degree (so that I can be a librarian) and books, are kinda my thing. And even if BDSM (the theme of this collection, as you'll see shortly) isn't my go-to kink, I still wanted to read some hot stories about it, and get a chance to tell you nice folks what I thought! So, without any more ado at all, let's dive into the Big Book of Submission.

The Big Book of Submission is a collection of "69 Kinky Tales", all on the topic of BDSM. But that's pretty much the only thing all of these stories have in common.

• One story is about a voyeur, watching the couple across the street have some fun with spanking. 
• Another is about a man who discovers that his new personal trainer has some unique methods for getting results.
• The Dear Sir is in the form of a letter from a sub to her dom, detailing the fun evening that they had together.
• And yet another story is all about the artistic use of ropes in a non-traditional photo-shoot.

And that's just a quick sample of all the kinky fun that's to be had between the covers of The Big Book of Submission. I don't want to go as far as to say that there's something for everyone in this book, you probably have to enjoy a good spanking story to really get the most out of the book, but there's enough variety to keep you on your toes, so to speak.

Now what about me? I already told you that BDSM isn't exactly my go-to kink, so did I like the book? Absolutely. While being spanked (and frankly, reading about spanking) doesn't really turn me on, well written erotica does, and this book has that in spades! Ever since I first started to masturbate, my material of choice has always been erotica. While my peers were discovering internet porn, I was consuming erotic fiction at an alarming rate. And I would dabble into everything. Lesbian porn, Gay male porn (still my favorite), stories about BDSM, sex toys, even erotic horror. I could get myself off to a story of almost any genre, as long as it was well written, and these stories hit that mark!

But are the stories hot enough to get me going? Is what you might be asking yourself (or me) right now. Well, for that, I'll have to refer you to my poor husband, who got jumped last night while I was browsing through some of my favorite stories in preparation for this review. When asked for a comment he said:

"Sex with you is always wonderful. I love you. I'm not being helpful, am I?"

Well... no dear, not super helpful. But I love you anyway.

I guess if you want to find out if these 69 stories are hot enough to get you off, you'll just have to pick up a copy and try for yourself! If you like well written erotica of the BDSM variety (that also touches on a lot of other themes, like gender identity and marriage), then you won't be disappointed in The Big Book of Submission. And if all else fails, I'm sure you'll get a laugh out of the piece Story Time in which, as punishment, a sub has to read excerpts from everyone's "favorite" BDSM romance novel to her dom.

If you liked this review, check out all of the other cool reviews on the Big Book of Submission blog tour that's happening right now! You can see their tumblr page here! And of course, go get your own kinky copy on amazon!

Thank you to Rachel Kramer Bussel (the editor of this kinky book) 

for sending me my free copy in exchange for my honest review!

Thank you again Rachel, and thanks to Cleis Press too!

69 "O"s In A Row!

Okay, I'll admit that when I first picked up my copy of The Big Book of Orgasms, I went about reading it in entirely the wrong way.

Wrong, you say, how can that be?

Well you see, I'm the kind of person who feels compelled to read a book (any book) from cover to cover, starting at the beginning.

Now you might already see where this is going. Cover to cover is not always the best way to read a collection of different stories. And especially a collection such as this one, which is clearly meant to be browsed through at a leisurely pace.

You see The Big Book of Orgasms is exactly what it sounds like (except for the Big part, the book's actually perfectly compact), it's a collection of 69 short stories all featuring and focusing on the Big O. The stories cover a wide range of topics and situations. There are solos and couples and threesomes; straight, gay, bi, lesbian and everything in between. There's even a story about a girl getting freaky with a guitar amp! The authors are so creative with the different situations that they put their characters into, I have no idea how they all do it, but I admire the heck out of them.

I bet we can all figure out why there are exactly 69 stories in this collection, but one of the advantages of that is that there's something in here for almost everyone. Do you like BDSM? It's in there. An artist masturbating in public as part of a gallery show? It's in there. A gender-swaped couple? It's in there.¹ Random elevator hook-ups? They're in there!

Okay, I can tell you're waiting for me to just get to the good part already. Sure, there's variety, I can hear you saying, but is it hot?

Yes, yes it is. Or at least, a large percentage of the stories that I read are hot. Which is exactly as it should be. Like I said, there's something in this collection for almost everyone, thus conversely, there are some things in this collection that are not for everyone. Now, that's not to say that I came across any stories that were in any way offensive or out of line, not at all. But I did come across a few that were, to me at least, meh.

And that's fine! Like I said, not every story in this book is going to do it for every reader out there, that would be impossible. But out of the stories I read, I feel very comfortable saying that about 80% of them really turned me on, and that's a lot!

So in conclusion ladies, gentlemen, and people of all genders, what did I think of The Big Book of Orgasms? I freakin' loved it! This is a book that's going to stay a part of my permanent erotica collection. It's the kind of book that I'm going to (and have been) grab again and again when the mood strikes me. I'll flip around and find something new, or maybe return to a story that I've already read and loved. But whichever it'll be, I know that I'm going to enjoy this book for many orgasms to come!

Want to grab a copy of your own? You can pick up a copy of your own from Amazon.com, GoodVibes and many other fine retailers.

Thank you to Rachel Kramer Bussel (the editor of this fine work) 

for sending me my copy in exchange for my honest review! 

Thanks again to Rachel and Cleis Press!

^{1. In case you're curious, the story in question is "Remote Control" by Logan Zachary, and it's my favorite.↩}

I read The Feminist Porn Book (and you should too!)

I firmly believe that there is nothing that you can't get through Inter-Library Loan. 

Case in point, I'd been trying to get my hands on a copy of Tristan Taormino's The Feminist Porn Book  since I'd first heard about it back in February or so.

Isn't it lovely?

I didn't think I needed to own a copy of the book, and I none of my friends had a copy that I could borrow, so I was kind of stuck. Then, in March I started working for my library and immediately requested the book from one our participating libraries. It took quite a while (you can't Inter-Library Loan a book that's less than 6 months old), but finally, finally it was all mine to do with as I pleased.
So what did I do? I grabbed my folding chair, sat out on my porch and got to reading. A few days later, I emerged from my reading cocoon a beautiful, enlightened butterfly.

The Feminist Porn Book is almost exactly what it sounds like. What it sounds like is a book of porn (which would be cool), what it is is about a book about porn. Specifically, feminist perspectives on pornography. The book is composed of essays by people with all sorts of ties to the industry. From writers and directors to performers and even academics who make a career of the industry (a degree in pornography studies makes going back to grad school sound almost tempting).

The essays are (for the most part) smartly written and very well put together. They offer a number of different perspectives both on what it means to be a feminist and how pornography can actually be feminist (spoiler alert: it certainly can be!).

Many of the essayists suggest that there is more than one way for a work to be considered feminist. Here’s a list:

·         A film can be a feminist work if woman (and female identifying people) are involved in any of the various aspects of its production.

·         A film can be a feminist work if it features performers of color. Or gay, lesbian, queer and transgendered performers (and writers, directors and producers too!). Basically, feminist porn should be all-inclusive.

·         Another standard that a production has to meet to be considered feminist is to treat it’s workers and performers like people, provide them food and facilities and pay them fairly. Performers should never be tricked or coerced into performing

So, how can a producer ensure that his/her film will be considered feminist? Have woman involved in the production, not just the performance. Have people involved who aren’t just straight and white, and just treat their performers like human beings. Surprisingly simple.¹

The book also introduces its readers to the concept of the "Porn Wars", which were apparently many battles fought on both sides by feminists with radically different views on pornography. One camp felt strongly that porn could only ever be exploitative towards woman, and the other felt that porn could be liberating and empowering.



Yes, this book is an academic work (there are more than a few essays by prominent academics in the field), but it's also a very interesting work, and not at all dry. If you're interested in picking up a copy of your own (and I encourage you to do so; whichever side of the "Porn Wars" you fall on, it's an interesting read), you can do so at amazon.com, and don't worry, you can get the book in kindle format if you're not super-comfortable reading a bright red book with the word "PORN" in bold lettering…



^{1.This works in mainstream cinema as well, by having films pass the Bechdel Test↩}

50 Shades of Confusing

Yup, you read that title right folks, I'm going to be reviewing, you guessed it, the infamous 50 Shades of Grey.
Now, I know this book has been read and reviewed to death, but I picked it up recently (why oh why do I do these things to myself?) and I thought I'd put my 2¢ in. And well, here goes:

Fifty Shades of Grey

by E. L. James

As you might have guessed from the title of this post, I have very mixed feelings about this book. I'll admit that I picked it up because I was excited/eager to see just how terrible it was. And the first few chapter were indeed terrible. I decided that I was going to take notes, chapter by chapter and then analyze them later.
I made it to chapter 8.
Don't get me wrong, I read the whole thing, but I just couldn't get through 26 chapters of writing out: "Ana gasped again, does she have some sort of respiratory disorder?"

Maybe I should start at the beginning though?

Synopsis:

50 Shades of Grey is about a young girl named Ana Steele who meets and falls inexplicably in love with a rich (read: gazillionaire) single man named Christian Grey. Ana is not only a virgin, she has never been in a relationship before; she's never even been kissed. Christian meanwhile, is heavily into BDSM (as a dom) and wants Ana to enter into a 3 month commitment to be his full submissive, obeying him in every way. He makes it very clear to her that it is his way or the high-way. If Ana wants to have any kind of relationship with this sexy and intriguing man whom she's starting to fall for it has to be on his terms, and she has to sign a contract to do so.

At it's heart, 50 Shades claims to be a romance (and is apparently a "GoodReads Choice Awards Finalist for Best Romance"), and to a certain extent, I suppose it is. Ana & Christian certainly spend enough time dancing around each other, somehow being both coy and oblivious at the same time. So to me at least, that says 'crappy romance novel'.

But are we here to talk about the romance? No, we're here to talk about the sex, and I have to admit, it's HOT. Yes, I used caps-lock for that, it's HOT. Seriously. Despite that fact that the book as a whole is terribly written (more on that later) and the fact that the sex is deliriously implausible (ie. despite being a virgin and having admittedly rough-sex their first time, Ana has multiple orgasms from penetration alone), it's still pretty damn hot. It was enough to get me off (with the help of my ever-trusty Ina 2) several times throughout the course of the book. The last handful of scenes though felt somewhat repetitive  There are only so many times I can read "He flexes his hips, and I gasp, leaning forward..." before it gets a little old.

That actually brings me to the first thing that I strongly disliked about the book. But since I have several, let's go through the list one by one.

Point #1:
The book is repetitive as hell. Ana is constantly gasping, Christian's eyes are described as "smoldering grey" more times than I can count and every other phrase is either "Holy crap" or "Holy shit". Now, I don't mind swearing. I can drop F-Bombs with the worst of 'em, but be a little creative, please! And it's not just the swearing. Most of the dialogue in the book (and the descriptions, and Ana's inner-monologue, and pretty much everything else) is just as repetitive.

Point #2:
Christian is a big time stalker, and everyone seems to think it's sweet and romantic. He buys Ana a phone and a laptop so that he can be in constant contact with her and flies 2,500 miles to see her against her wishes. If one of my friends had a partner who was treating her like this, I'd advise her to get a restraining order. It's really not sweet or romantic, it's creepy and unsettling.

Point #3:
Ana is constantly gasping, squeaking and blushing at the slightest provocation. I can see that this is supposed to be cute and maybe even sexy, but I just find it really annoying. "Gasp, his hand brushed against mine!"*, "He looked at me! (blushing)"*

• A subset of Point #3: Ana is a complete virgin when she and Christian meet, and she's completely "innocent" as well. To the point where she's never heard the term "vanilla sex" before. Apparently because of this, the things that seem to turn her on seem very strange to me. There's a part in the book where she gets turned on from using Christian's toothbrush because "it would be like having him in my mouth... I feel so naughty. It's such a thrill."

Point #4:

Ana lets absolutely everyone in her life boss her around. She flat out admits that she can't stand it when her roommate Kate tells her what to do, or tries to run her life. But not once does she stand up for herself and say "You know, I'm an adult and I can actually think for myself, thank you very much." This is yet another of her traits that is probably supposed to be endearing, but actually just ends up being bothersome.

I really wanted to say something about the BDSM aspect of the novel, but I just really don't feel qualified to. I am not in any way involved with that "scene", and therefore am not very knowledgeable about it. I'll admit to enjoying a little light bondage now and again, but I really don't get the appeal of a DOM/sub relationship. 

But even from my uninitiated perspective, I can see that the novel portrays a BDSM lifestyle in very mixed ways. 

To Christian, it's just a part of who he is. He is very accepting of that part of his personality; he is comfortable with what he wants out of a partner and is very adept at explaining it to new partners. He does not at all appear to be ashamed of his dominant tendencies.

Ana is a very different story. For most of the book she views Christian alternately as a saint and a monster. She doesn't understand why physically hurting a consenting partner would give him pleasure. She goes so far as to speculate that his "perversions" as she calls them, stem from childhood abuse. She claims that he is not normal, and goes so far as to call him a "fucked-up son of a bitch". 

I can see that this would send very mixed messages to readers wondering what BDSM is all about, and that's one of the things that really bothers me about this book.

Despite those points, and the fact that both the writing style and the two main characters bugged the shit out of me, I couldn't put this book down. I don't know what it was, (maybe the narrative sucked me in?) but I sat down and read this thing in about three sittings. That's fairly unusual for me, as I tend to take my time with novels. 

Like I said, the sex scenes were hot, and the main story line was actually pretty promising. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love but boy has baggage that she must over-come! It's not a bad story line, even though it's been used many times before. It was really just the execution that I found pretty lacking. 

Overall, I'm still not sure what I thought of this book (hence, the title of the post). Would I recommend this book to others? Uhhh... Meh. I was curious about 50 Shades, so I picked it up and read it. Now I know what it's about. If you want to do the same, you're more than welcome to it. I understand that's not exactly a glowing recommendation, but it's not intended to be. I didn't love this book, and thus I can't really tell people that they should run out and buy it. On the other hand, I didn't hate it either. So I'm not going to tell people to skip it. You're all adults (I hope), and are therefore allowed to make your own choices about reading material. 

If you do decide that you'd like to pick up a copy, you can get one from your local amazon.com, your local bookstore (support small businesses!) or even over at edenfantasys.

I feel a little bad about all this though. 

I'm a reviewer, and I'm supposed to give people helpful information so that they can decide if they want to spend hard earned money on a product. But in this case, I'm ambivalent. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. Didn't love it, didn't hate it. "Meh" just about sums up my feelings on this one.

On the other hand, I'm probably not going to be picking up the next two books anytime soon. Take from that what you will.

Okay, that's it for now. Come back later for more (less ambivalent?) reviews and a "special" post about the month of May!

Laters baby.

*These are not direct quotes, but rather examples drawn from many, many instances of similar lines in the book.

What's Not to Love?

This review is a little bit different than my others. It's a review of a book, not a sex toy, so bear in mind when reading, there won't be any mention of whirling parts or battery compartments. It's a book people.

I Love Female Orgasm

by Dorian Solot & Marshall Miller

I picked up Dorian Solot & Marshall Miller's book I Love Female Orgasm a number of years ago. I was
browsing through the "Sexual Health" section of my local Major-Chain-Bookstore and when I spotted this gem. I'll be honest, it was the cover that drew me in. "I Love Female Orgasm" it boldly proclaims. "Well," I though, "who doesn't?"
I sat down and flipped through some of the pages, browsing charts and diagrams and reading a few paragraphs here and there. In the introduction, Dorian Solot mentions that she was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 26. She says what saved her life was the fact that she found the lump very early, and attributed that to the fact that she was comfortable touching her body and her breasts.

Being comfortable and confident in her sexuality literally saved her life. When I read that, I knew that I had to have this book. I wanted it badly enough that I took it up to the counter of the Major-Chain-Bookstore (where my dad is a frequent patron) and purchased it on the spot.

The book is basically a how-to manual for having an orgasm. It has sections about using fingers, tongues, penises and toys. It gives you all the information you could want about oral and anal sex and about how to find and utilize your g-spot. And all throughout it has definitions (for example, what exactly is “female ejaculation”?), tips, and tricks.
One thing I particularly love is that the book is constantly stressing important information about communication and safe sex. There’s an entire chapter about condoms and birth-control including a very helpful chart that gives quick facts about different types of protection.
Another thing I loved is that unlike many sex guides out there, this book does not assume that if you are female you must be in a relationship with a male. I Love Female Orgasm is very inclusive, and has an entire chapter dedicated to LGBTQ issues (“Coming with Pride: Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and Straight-but-Adventurous Orgasms”).

I would recommend this book to anyone who is a fan of female orgasms. It’s very well-organized and has a wonderful index that is very easy to use. The first time I read this book I read it cover to cover and had a blast doing so. I’ve picked it up many times since then to get specific information about a topic that I was interested in at the time. The way that the book is arranged and set up makes it very easy to do that. For example, if you are interested in learning more about the g-spot you can just head to that chapter, or poke around in the index.
Finally, and I feel that this has to be said, this book (while extremely entertaining) is a reference book, and is meant to be used as such - which means that (thankfully) the authors do not use cutesy language in their book (though they invite you to if you’d like).

I paid $15.99 for this book, and I can promise you that it was worth it!

I Love Female Orgasm is a well-organized reference manual for orgasms. It will take you through the basics of female anatomy and teach you everything you need to know about how to have an orgasm. It also provides information about a variety of other topics, including: safe sex, sex toys, oral sex, and anal sex. The book is a must have for any true lover of female orgasms.

This book talks about the history of the dildo, what’s not to love?

This review first appeared over at edenfantasys, and is in fact still there if you would like to go read it or vote for it.

Also, if you'd like your own copy of this fabulous book, you can purchase one from the aforementioned edenfantasys, or somewhere else, like perhaps amazon.com.