Saturday, June 22, 2013

A Flash in the Pan

Alright cats and kittens, it's that time again. You know what time I mean. That wondrous and magical time when I get to share my thoughts on another toy with all of you lovely folks (and even you not-so-lovely folks... *quints* you know who you are)! That's right, it's review time! And this week I'm reviewing the...

Flash by FunFactory

The Flash is a new "g-spot and clit" vibrator by FunFactory. It's made from 100% silicone with a plastic base. It runs on 2 AAA batteries (which I'm not a huge fan of, but whatever) and is apparently waterproof. *The battery compartment seems to be stuck on pretty damned tight, and it does have an o-ring, so it should be seal able, but honestly I just haven't tested it out in any water yet, I'm wary for some reason.*

I was kind of hoping it would have a lightning-bolt on it somewhere...

There are 6 vibration patterns ranging from your standard issue to deep pulsations and quick bursts of vibrations. To cycle through the patterns, you have to push on the little + button that's built into the toy's silicone. It's one of one two controls (+/-) which are considered to be "intuitive". And I suppose they are, to an extent. 

You turn the toy on by pressing +, and off by holding down the - until it has cycled through all of it's various patterns. This is something that I find rather annoying. I don't mind being able to switch back-and-forth between vibration patterns, but personally, I would much rather be able to turn the toy completely off with the push of one button. Maybe it's just me, but I'm super-sensitive after I come, and I need to be able to stop any and all vibrations right away or it's just too much for my poor vag to handle. Shrug, c'est la vie.

The "intuitive" controls. 

A long time ago, at some job I've now blissfully forgotten, I was told that the best way to criticism someone is using something called a "compliment sandwich" (sounds delicious, no?), which just means that you hide the insult between two complementary thoughts.
So, here goes:
  • I love that the Flash is made of silicone
    • How the hell is this supposed to be a "g-spot" toy??????
  • I love that the Flash comes in orange
Could you tell which one was the criticism? 

Even though the Flash is just over 5" long in total, the clit arm kind of gets stuck on my clit (which it's supposed to do, I'm not complaining about that), which actually gives this vibe only about 3" of insertable length. That's not really long enough to reach my g-spot, let alone rock its world.
And can we talk about the fact that while this thing is curved, it's curved the wrong way?


Yeah... What's up with that FunFactory? Normally, I'm a big fan of your toys (I've got like 5...) but I think you guys kinda dropped the ball on this one. Now don't get me wrong, the vibrations are nice and I like the patterns, they feel really nice... when I can feel them. The general area of my vag feels pretty pleasant when I've got the Flash inside me, but that's about all I can feel. To reiterate: The g-spotting part of this toy fails on two counts. 1: it's not long enough when inserted, and 2: it's curved away from my g-spot. 

One of these things it's not like the other...
But this is a "dual" vibe, so let's talk about the clit arm, shall we? I could make another compliment sandwich, but I think I'm out of bread. This part of the toy just doesn't do... anything for me. It doesn't have it's own motor, and the rumbly sensations from the (pretty decent) motor in the body of the toy don't transfer well through all of that silicone. I mean, I can feel that there's something buzzing on my clit, but it's just not enough to get me off.

The only time I actually got off with this toy was when I took it out and pressed the "g-spotting" end against my clit. That did the trick, but it's not what I expect to have to do with a "dual" vibe. Frustrating. One the other hand, the weaker vibrations mean that it's pretty quiet. It's like a consolation prize, I guess.


The Flash is (at least) easy to clean with a little bit of anti-bacterial soap and water. Yes the body of the toy is made out of silicone, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again: DO NOT BOIL ANYTHING WITH A MOTOR! Thank you. Because the Flash has moving parts, please do not boil it as a cleaning method. Anyway, the plastic might melt and hello, it's got batteries in it. Just not a good idea all around.

After cleaning, I recommend letting the Flash air-dry, because like many silicone toys it's a freakin' lint-magnet. And lint in your vag can't be pleasant (not that I would know...).


I think that's just about all that I have to say about the Flash. It was a good idea with a somewhat poor execution. Listen guys, make it a bit longer, curve it in the correct direction and let the clit arm have some power and then we can try this again. I will say this about the Flash. It is small, and it is good for traveling, so there's a plus.

If you'd like to pick one up for yourself, you can do so from any one of many fine retailers. Or, you can pick one up at edenfantasys.com.


The Flash was provided to me by edenfantasys.com free of charge in exchange for my honest opinion, which I hope that I have provided.



I think this might just about wrap things up for June. I might have one more review in me (now that the wedding planning is mostly done), but if not you guys can look forward to more reviews next month, including my first ever review of some porn! Yay! That's fun, right? 
So check back soon! Or, you can always subscribe and be notified the very instant a new post goes up! (great for stalking)

:o)

Saturday, June 15, 2013

The Tower is Crazy!

*NOTE* This review has been made possible thanks to Google translate.

Alright, here's the story behind this review (because lately it seems like all my reviews have a back-story). A while back I saw this Crazy Thing on Pinterest, and immediately pinned it to my "What this is, I don't even..." board. It was that strange looking. So of course, I had to find out if I could get my perverted little paws on one. Long story short, I could, and I did. So I now bring you...


Yes, it's exactly what it looks like.
Loosely translated (and I do mean loosely) the toy is: The Tower is Crazy. I've been calling it "the Tower" for short. Why "the Tower"? Because it's a dildo of the Eiffel Tower, of course! This is easily the most unique dildo that I own, and I still can't get over the shape!

At it's heart, the Tower is a basic straight dildo made out of PVC, which is not my favorite1 material, but I can accept it if I have to.
*CORRECTION* 6-19-13
Like I mentioned at the start of this review, I'm doing this with the help of Google translate, and probably not surprisingly, some mistakes were made. The Tower is not made out of PVC, but TPU which is a non-porous and hypo-allergenic.
The inside of the Tower is completely hollow, which makes this a surprisingly light toy. Now, when it comes to G-spotting toys, I like heavy. But for straight-dildos, lighter is gooder. It means I can thrust for a long time without my wrists getting sore.

I can see all the way to Paris!
And with about 6.25" of insertable length, thrusting is something I'm totally doing! I never thought I'd say this about a straight-up straight dildo, but I actually really love the way this one feels! It's smooth and soft and provides a great filling sensation with its 4" circumference (measured right below the "head" of the Tower). The head is very slightly bulbous, which I personally like. It's got a circumference of 4.25" inches, which is a slight enough difference to not be over challenging. There is a very small seam right under the "head" which is easily felt with your finger-tips, but honestly, I didn't feel it at all when the toy was inside of me. There are other seams on the base of the tower, but since I really don't think you're supposed to put that part inside of yourself, it shouldn't be a problem.

Don't put this part in your vag please
Speaking of having this thing inside of me... I like it! It is a genuinely pleasant experience. I'm going to be honest and say that I don't often use dildos on my own when I masturbate. My go-to toys tend to be vibes, because there's less thrusting and more insta-gasms. But this is a dildo that I can and do use on my own. The "windows" in the base of the tower are perfect for me to slide my fingers into, so instead of thrusting in and out, like I would with a more traditional dildo, I can actually pull the Tower into my vag! I love that! It's a unique way of masturbating (at least for me), and I'm a fan of this method.
And never fear, the Tower is partner-friendly too! Again, it's the "windows" that give a great place to grip and thrust without getting sore wrists.

The only issue that I seem to have so far with the Tower, is that it's a bit long for my tastes. I can sometimes feel the bulbous tip poking at my cervix if I get a little too enthusiastic. I think that's because of the pulling motion that I use (as described above, remember?), and it probably depends on where I am in my cycle2 But other than that, I've found fucking the Eiffel Tower to be a very pleasant experience. And there's a sentence I never thought I would type.

Since I know some of you are looking at this toy and wondering "can I put that in my ass?" (and I love you guys for it), the answer is a tentative yes. Because of the flared base, this should be an anal safe toy. However, because PVC is a porous material, it will pick up some nasty stuff over time, so you might want to use a barrier like a condom for anal play, and never never never go ass-to-vag without changing the condom. You really don't want to be bringing the local ass-bacteria into your vag, it doesn't belong there and it will not be happy.

My two Towers :o)
So I think that just about wraps it up for the Tower. Now, I know what you're all going to ask next, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you. The Tower is not available in the States, yet. The company is still trying to get a lot of publicity, and to build up a client-base. If you want to know more, you should check them out at their facebook page, and say hi to Sebastien for me!

When it becomes available, I'll let you guys know and update the post with a link to buy one. Because really, who wouldn't want to fuck the Eiffel Tower?

*UPDATE* 12-2-13
Hey guys! I just heard that the tower will soon be available for purchase in the U.S.! I'll keep you posted!



The Tower was provided to me for free in exchange for my honest review! Thank you again to Sebastien Lecca for sending it to me and putting up with all of my questions! I enjoyed my "trip" to Paris.






1 Usually, I only use/review toys that are made out of 100% non-porous materials like silicone, glass and steel; but I made an exception for the Tower. Partially because my French is rusty (read: non-existent), and I wasn't actually sure what the toy's material was before I got it, and partially because I just couldn't resist a dildo shaped like the freakin' Eiffel Tower! 

*NOTE* See corrections above.

2 Some people menstruate, get over it. :oP

Monday, June 10, 2013

Mini Mail-Call

I just wanted to throw-up a quick, mini, mail-call post to share two things that were delivered to me today.


First up is a new "mini" vibe from FunFactory called the Flash (there will be many super-hero jokes to be had, I can already tell):

It's orange, I die! :o)

Look for a review of this cute little vibe before the end of June. Or, you could subscribe, and be notified when it goes up.


And second, while this isn't really toy-related at all, I just had to share it. Our wedding rings came in the mail today! I haven't opened the package yet, as I'm waiting to see my fiance tonight and we'll open it together. But I'm super psyched!


Alright, that about wraps up this Mail-Call. Look for two exciting new reviews coming in the next few weeks, and maybe even a bonus review if I can find a few extra hours to rub together.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

C-C-C-Changes

Hello there wonderful lovely folks! How are you on this fine June day?

I just wanted to throw together a quick post to talk about some of the changes you've all been noticing on the blog. Don't worry, you haven't done anything wrong... probably.

Let's get right to it, shall we?

First, and biggest, I've moved! Domains that is. Yup, that's right, I've got my very own, brand-spanking-new domain name now! Right at the top of the page! Did you notice it? Did ya? 'Cause I couldn't shut up about it on twitter. :o) What can I say? I'm excited. It's like a milestone for me in terms of my blogging and reviewing. I sort of started out reviewing as something fun to do in my spare time. But over the past few months I've gotten much more serious about it, and I'm honestly just having too much fun to quit now. Buying my domain is a way for me to show that I plan to be doing this for a while.

Next (and not quite as exciting) you might have noticed my shiny new social media buttons right over there in the side bar. Clicking on them will take you right to my RSS feed (you should subscribe! Was that subtle enough?), my twitter account, and my facebook page.

Which brings me to my next piece of news... I've got a facebook page now! It's at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Septimus-Reviews/459266304155130?fref=ts, which is long and awkward to type, so go ahead and just click on the shiny new button (come on, you know you want to!). And while you're there, you can "like" the page if you want to. Which means that every time I post a new blog entry, or share something super-duper cool, it'll pop up in your "timeline". You won't have to check the blog obsessively (like you do), to see new posts and reviews anymore!

But, if you do hit F5 like it's going out of style, then you've probably noticed something else new, namely, my GoodVibes banner! I'm now part of their affiliate program, and I'd absolutely love it if you used my affiliate link when getting some goodness over there. You can do that by clicking on their banner (and isn't it a pretty one?), or clicking on their link under the "Stores I Love to Support" list! Again, I do get a commission from these sales, but it's not paying my rent or anything, so don't sweat it if you're not interested. Although they're just a really cool store in general, and you should support them, you know, 'cause they're cool and junk.

Well, I think that just about wraps things up for now. I've probably bored you fine people to death already anyways. But if I haven't, and you're still hanging in with me...

Stay tuned for some exciting reviews coming up over the rest of the month. I'm going to be reviewing the weirdest toy it has ever been my pleasure to own (and that includes my tentacle), La Tour est Folle! I will also (hopefully) be reviewing a brand new vibe by FunFactory (courtesy of edenfantasys). And, if I have enough time between Works and wedding planning, I'll be reviewing that tentacle I mentioned.

Alright, scram. No loitering! :o)

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