The Monster Under the Bed

       When I was 19 I dropped out of college and moved back in with my parents. When people asked why, I told them it was because I didn’t like the University I was attending, I wanted to save money by moving back home, and I wanted to get a job so I could start making my own money. What I didn’t tell them was that I was too depressed to be living alone. That I didn’t leave my room most days and that I was barely functioning.
       Why didn't I just tell people that? Because like most people, I'm really uncomfortable talking about any mental health issues, let alone my own. Which is exactly what JoEllen Notte's new book The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren’t Having is about. Don’t let the title fool you though. Yes, the book is the intersection of sex and depression, but JoEllen has so many good points to make about depression and general, that I think everyone should read it.

A picture of a black kindle, with the cover page for JoEllen Notte's
book: The Monster Under the Bed displayed

       When my father came to help me move home (I was living in the dorms) he was appalled at the living conditions that had become normal to me. Despite being a licensed clinical psychologist with (at that point) almost 30 years of experience, my father said and did all of the wrong things. Instead of helping and making me feel better, he re-enforced the myths about depressed people being lazy and made me feel 120% shittier about the situation.
       In chapter six, “Your Team in Action”, JoEllen gives a list of things not to say to a depressed person. A lot of the things that my dad (and let’s be honest, lots of other people too) told me when I moved back home after dropping out of school are on that list. You might think that offering platitudes to a person suffering from depression can’t be that harmful, but JoEllen breaks down how saying certain things, like “you just need to exercise more” can really feed into a depressed person’s feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. She even offers things that you can say/do instead that might actually help.

       I was formally diagnosed with AD(H)D when I was about 9, and the diagnoses of depression (or more technically, dysthymia) that followed at some point in either Middle School or High School wasn’t exactly a surprise. My ADD made focusing on school a struggle, and my academic failures (don’t even get me started on being a former “gifted” kid) already had me feeling worthless before depression took a hold of my brain.
       I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years in therapy, but I can’t really tell you if it helped or not. I was prescribed a variety of different medications, but my ADD makes remembering to take a pill every day really difficult, so I never took anything consistently enough to know if it really made a difference. Overall, my therapists (and yes, there were many of them) focused on “managing” my ADD symptoms while just making sure that I wasn’t suicidal. So I never really had anyone listen to me about my depression, or make me feel like it was something that was important enough to get treatment for (besides being given some basic antidepressants and told that should help).

       When I first heard about JoEllen’s book (back in January, I think… which feels like a year ago at least) I knew I wanted to read it. I don’t usually go in for the “self-help” genre of books, but this one felt different. And it was, it is. It’s the only book about depression I’ve read that was written by someone who gets it. JoEllen gets depression in a way that my therapists, parents (both therapists themselves), friends and partner just don’t. Depression is something that can be very alienating. It makes us feel alone and isolated. Having to constantly explain (and justify) your symptoms and experiences to people doesn’t really help with this. Reading this book made me feel less alone. Because it made me feel heard. JoEllen’s experiences aren’t exactly the same as mine, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that for the first time in a long time, I felt like someone else really understood what I was going through. And that can make all the difference when you feel like you’re the only depressed person in the world

       This post is getting long and rambly, and feeling a bit less like a proper review. So let’s just jump into who I would recommend this book to:

Obviously, anyone suffering with depression
Again, I can’t emphasize enough that JoEllen’s book just made me feel so validated. Reading certain pages and passages just made me feel like my experiences were real and valid and that my feelings are normal! If you take nothing else away from this book, know this: “You get to be wherever you are”

Partners of depressed people
Like I’ve said before, even if sex isn’t a problem in your particular relationship, there is so much good information in here about how to live with and support depressed partners that I would recommend it to anyone, regardless of what their sex life looks like.

Basically everyone
As JoEllen points out, not enough people are talking about sex and depression, let alone the intersection of sex and depression. You would think that growing up with therapists for parents would make me more comfortable talking about mental health. But nope, I’m just as uncomfortable as everyone else. This is one of the reasons that this book is so important. It can help us all have important conversations about important topics.


I loved this book, and I think that lots of other people (especially anyone reading this blog) will too. So support JoEllen Notte’s work, buy this book and use it to talk to your friends and partner(s) about sex and mental health.

Svakom Amy

So, I think this is going to be an interesting review. Between when I received this vibe to review and now when I'm posting this, there's been a significant price change which colors my view of the toy itself.

But maybe I should back up a bit and start at the beginning. A few months ago I was contacted by Svakom and asked if I'd be interested in reviewing one of their products for y'all. I took a look at their website and was immediately into their toys. I love the sleek lines of their toys and the fact that everything seems to mostly fit into one color palette. I said that I would be happy to review something, and so they sent me the

Amy

A light pink g-spotting vibrator on a crocheted rainbow background

I've reviewed a few g-spotting toys before, but I'm always happy to play with new ones. I've come close to having a g-spot orgasm, but I've never been quite able to get there. Though I do enjoy the sensation of g-spot stimulation while I have an orgasm. And the Svakom Amy provided that for me.

The Amy provides me with some nice, rumbly sensations against my g-spot while I'm getting myself off with another toy (or with my fingers). There are a few different intensity and vibration patterns to play with, and you seem to be able to change them independently, which is nice. What's not so nice is that I could never quite figure out how to do that. 

There are three buttons on the Amy, up and down arrows and a middle "S" button that I guess is the company's logo. Pressing the UP button seems to cycle through the intensity settings and then the vibration patterns. But then when you press the DOWN button, it changes the intensity of whatever pattern the toy is on. If you just want to experience lots of different sensations, this set-up probably works fine. If, on the other hand, you're trying to get back to a specific setting... good luck.

It's rechargeable, which is always a plus. I like to think I've moved past the point in my life where I'm robbing the remote control of batteries to put in my sex toys. It comes with a fairly generic white charging cable that I need to label (because I've been spoiled by other companies that make color-coded chargers), and holds an okay amount of charge. There were a few times I went to use it, and it was out of juice even though I'd charged it somewhat recently, so I reached for something else. If it held charge for a bit longer, I'd probably end up using it more.

The Amy vibrator with a book of erotica
and a scented candle to set the mood

My favorite feature is that it's waterproof, and I mean fully submersible. I enjoyed "pampering" myself in the bathtub. And as I type this, I realize how cheesy that sounds as a euphemism for masturbation. 

I really liked using the Amy in the bathtub because, for me at least, I felt like I didn't have to try so hard to find the angle that worked best for stimulating my g-spot. Maybe the water helped? Who knows. It was more comfortable than using it on the bed, at least.

This is probably also the feature that's driving the price up, and I'll circle back to this in a bit, but it makes a certain amount of sense. There's a lot of sensitive electronics in there, and it must take some sort of special design to be able to completely dunk a toy with an open charging port. But again, more on this in a bit.

Now, as much fun as I was having with the Amy in the bathtub, it just... wasn't quite strong enough for me. Again, I've never really been able to get off with g-spot stimulation alone, but even when paired with another toy for clitoral stimulation, it took me a while to get off. I don't know if I'm just too used to the insanely strong vibrations of my Hitachi, but I need something a bit more than what the Amy had to offer. Even when just used against my clit, it wasn't enough to make me come.

And when I held it against my clit, I kept accidentally turning it off as well. I get that this is meant to be an internal toy, and the button placement works well enough for that (though it takes an annoying long time to turn the thing off when you're done with it - you have to hold the middle button for several long seconds), it would be nice if the buttons allowed you to use the toy externally as well. A toy that could pull double-duty as g-spot and clitoral simulator would be something I would be willing to pay more for... and I think that brings us full circle back to the price issue.

So, here's the deal. I can't really tell you how much this toy costs, because it's going to largely depend on where and when you buy it. 

When I first started writing up my notes on this toy, I checked to see how much Svakom was selling it for. Like I said, it's waterproof and rechargeable, so I know it wasn't going to be super cheap, but the price surprised me. When I looked it up a few weeks ago it was selling on Svakom's website for $109 plus shipping. 

I don't want to say that the Amy feels cheap, but it certainly doesn't feel like a toy that costs over $100! I was surprised to see that it was so expensive, and started poking around to see what other similar toys cost.

When I was done with that research and about ready to type up my review Svakom reached out to me to let me know that I can direct my readers to their amazon link to purchase the Amy for a significant discount. And when I say significant discount, I mean it's less than $40 if you have Prime... That's more than 60% off... 

I went back to the Svakom website to double-check the price there, and now see that it's listed for $75.

At that point I reached out to Svakom to find out what was going on with the price changes. And this is what I've been able to piece together:

The Amy costs $109 normally. It is currently (for about half a year) on sale on the Svakom website for $75, and on sale on amazon (supposedly for my readers only, but I don't know how Svakom plans to restrict that since it seems to just be the listed Prime price) for $39.95.

The Svakom Amy, looking regal and expensive

All this money talk might be a bit off-putting, but like I said, it kind of colored my opinion of the toy. In my honest opinion, the Amy is not worth $100. If you want to try it out for yourself, grab it on Amazon. $40 is much more reasonable for a toy like this, and I think you'll get your money's worth. It's a nice little rumbly g-spotting vibe and for $40 I would recommend it for anyone who wants to try it.

For $100 I was ready to tell you to skip it and pick up something more affordable. 

Thank you to Svakom for sending me the Amy in exchange for my honest review. If you want to pick one up for yourself, I recommend doing so through this (potentially exclusive) Amazon link. 

The 60 Bulet

I don’t have many bullets. Or like, any bullets. So when SXOhh reached out to me on instagram to ask if I’d be interested in trying their 60 Bullet, I jumped at the opportunity. Since I first started buying sex toys in college, I’ve wanted a small, discreet, portable vibrator. While I love the vibrators I have now, most of them are neither small, nor particularly discreet (I’m lookin’ at you Hitachi…), so I was extra excited to try this little bullet.

60 Bullet

Here you can see the gorgeous teal color of the bullet against a multi-colored background

Not having any bullets, I didn’t really know what to expect the first time this one. Should I expect big rumbly vibrations? Should I look forward to strong, pinpointed vibrations? Both? Apparently, it was both.

Despite its size, the vibrations are surprisingly powerful. It’s strong, and got me off pretty quickly the first time I used it. Then I turned the settings down to a lower intensity and was able to build up to a second orgasm which was even more intense than the first. That’s a nice feature that I can’t get away with with my Hitachi. 

The pointed tip offers some really pinpointed stimulation, which is nice, but there really isn’t any good place to hold the bullet. It’s got a little gripy section near the end, but it’s very.... buzzy. When the bullet is turned on (to any speed and pattern) the whole thing buzzes, which means that after just a few minutes my hand gets really tired of holding it. I understand that it’s a small toy (its portability is one of the things I really like about it), but it would have been nice if there was somewhere to grip it that didn’t send a lot of the vibrations straight up my wrist.

Pressing either arrow button on the bottom of the bullet starts up a sequence of 7 different speeds/intensities and then the 13 different patterns. So you can’t change the intensity on the patterns, which would have been nice. To turn it off, you hold either button for a few seconds. I have to say that I don't love this mechanism. I prefer toys that just turn off when you press the off button, rather than having to wait. And I keep accidentally turning it off when I'm trying to scroll through the patterns and intensity settings, which is not fun when I'm building up to a good orgasm.
 

Here you can see the two arrow buttons on the base of the bullet,
 as well as the magnetic "click to charge" ports

It might be buzzy, but the 60 Bullet is surprisingly quiet considering how powerful its motor is, which is another nice feature if you're looking for a discreet toy. A person in the same room as you will probably hear it (even if you're using it under the covers), but a person in the next room or downstairs will not. That's not something I can say about some of my other toys...

The 60 Bullet is rechargeable and uses a "click to charge" system that I really love, and it holds a charge for a very long time. I've been using this bullet a lot recently and I honestly can't remember the last time I charged it. I should uh, probably go do that...

Over all, I really enjoyed this little bullet. It's a little on the pricey side, but you really get what you pay for, a strong, high-quality bullet that will get you off. It's quiet (but a bit buzzy) and small enough to travel with discreetly. It's soft to touch and rumbly enough to get the job done.

If you'd like your own 60 Bullet to try out, you can pick one up here.

Thank you again to SXOhh for sending me this fun little bullet in exchange for my honest review. And folks, I want to quickly tell you what a freakin' delight this company has been to work with. Some of you may have seen my little insta post where I mentioned that the 60 Bullet was a bit uh… linty, out of the box. What you don’t know is that the company contacted me pretty much right away to let me know that they were passing the information along to their manufacturing team to see what they could do about changing the packaging. You guys, this is awesome. I love when companies are genuinely open to customer feedback, and actually willing to make changes.

Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator

       Have you ever seen a toy and wondered if it would hurt or feel amazing? Because that’s what was running through my head when I first saw the Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator. I was intrigued both by the shape and the claims of intense “touch-free orgasms”. I had to have one, and Paloqueth was nice enough to send me one to review for ya’ll. So, without further ado…

The Sonic Sucking Vibrator

       First, let’s go over some basic stats and see what this thing looks like, shall we? It’s a sleek little thing, with soft purple silicone covering the part that you hold, and slightly stiff white silicone forming the bit that’s supposed to go around your clit (or nipple, or… whatever). There are two buttons (and I’ll get to them latter) that control the 7 patterns that you can cycle though. And that’s it. It’s a simple little toy without a lot of bells and whistles. It comes with instructions, and you’re encouraged to read through them, but it wasn’t all that hard to figure out what was supposed to go where.

The Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator on its fancy box

       I had to try it out almost immediately after I received it. So I went to my bedroom, put on some porn¹ and got down to the serious business of getting myself off. I wasn’t sure if I should just… put the thing on my clit right away, or get myself a bit warmed up first, so I played around with a cordless wand I just got (more on that in another review!) before transitioning to the sonic sucker. And… holy crap. Here’s a direct quote from my wank journal² from that day:

“I feel like it just sucked an orgasm out of my clit. It was really fast, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

       The sonic sucker claims to mimic oral sex, and I don’t know how accurate that is, but it certainly does have a suction thing going for it. When you put the little white bit around your clit (or nipple, etc.) it creates sort of a weak seal, which in turn creates suction because of the little piece moving back and forth inside the mouth (for lack of a better word).

       Now, there’s no direct contact with your clit (except for the white mouth that sits around your clit), what’s providing the sensation is actually the air moving and vibrating around it. 

       Paloqueth claims that this lack of direct stimulation lets you have more orgasms in a row, and I’m not really sure how that’s supposed to work. For me it’s usually the intensity of any individual orgasm that determines if I’ll be up for more and the orgasms I’ve had with this little toy are… intense. There might only be a loose seal, but the suction is strong and it got me off very, very quickly. Almost too quickly. I’m glad I warmed myself up with another toy, otherwise that particular session would have been over way too quickly for my liking. I wish there was some way to change the intensity setting. I can kind of manage that by just holding it a little further away from my clit, but then the seal breaks and I’ve got nothing. 

       The patterns help a bit with the intensity problem. There are 7 patterns to cycle through, and I actually enjoyed most of them. I’m not usually a pattern person; I tend to like steady strong vibrations to get me off, but the patterns here were fun and provided some much needed respite from the very direct suction action. 

       To cycle through the patterns you press the little emoji button, which, while cute, is a bit confusing. Like I said, this is overall a straight-forward toy. I can figure out what it’s supposed to do without any instruction. What I couldn’t figure out though, was how to turn it on. Earlier on I said we’d get back to the buttons, so let’s tackle them now.

A close-up photo of the buttons. The top one has the standard "power" symbol,
while the bottom one has a "heart-eyes" emoji

       There are two buttons, a power button and an emoji button. In order to turn the thing on, you press the power button, which seems straightforward, but the toy doesn’t actually do anything until you push the little emoji button to start cycling through the patterns. I found this very confusing, and spent some time thinking that mine was broken because I couldn’t get anything to work. This isn’t great design. After using it a few times I finally noticed that the buttons light up when you press the power button, indicating that the toy is in fact working. But still, if you’re visually impaired or just using this under the covers where you can’t see it, it’s hard to know that it’s even on. 

       Over all, I liked this toy and I’ll continue using it. It’s waterproof, and I have yet to try it in the shower, which seems like a shame. I’ll have to get on that! And I want to let my partner play with it and see if he enjoys using it on me. I think he will.

       My feedback for Paloqueth is that this toy would greatly benefit from some way to control the intensity. I have fun playing around with it, but it’s just too intense for me. I almost feel like I’m being forced to come. Which, admittedly, is sometimes fun. It could also use a button upgrade. Again, I don’t like that I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on without looking at the instructions. And if a user has a visual impairment, this is going to be a very frustrating toy to use.

       Thank you again to Paloqueth for sending me this toy so that I could give you guys my honest review of it! If you want to pick one up for yourselves, you can do so here! And if you want to check out their other products, you can do that here.

---

1 CrashPad episode 264 for those of you who are interested

2 Does anyone else have one of these? I’d love to hear about it!

AphoJoy Cockring

When I was contacted about reviewing a vibrating cock-ring 2 days after I’d decided to start blogging again, it seemed like some sort of cosmic sign. A big thunder-clap and lighting spelling out the message: “Yes, this is what you’re supposed to be doing”.

Okay, well maybe it wasn’t that dramatic, but when Lily Yu asked if I’d be interested in reviewing some toys for her company AphoJoy, I was really excited for the opportunity to start blogging and reviewing again! Before I go any further in this review, I just wanted to take a moment to thank Lily for giving me the kick-in-the-pants I needed to get my blog up and re-running. Thanks Lily.

The Joy-Ring by AphoJoy 

I was particularly excited to review a cock-ring because, I’d never tried one before. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did at one point own a pink jelly cock-ring that ran on a watch battery. But my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) rightly refused to let it anywhere near his dick. Considering how weird it smelled, can’t say that I blame him.

This cock-ring, however, is in an entirely different class than my first crappy BOGO grab-bag piece of junk I’d got at some seedy sex store when I was too young to know any better. This cock-ring is beautiful, soft and smooth and so much fun to touch.

First Impressions

The Joy-Ring looks a little different from most other cock-rings I’ve seen and/or come across. Instead of being just a ring with a small vibrating portion stuck onto it, it looks more like a small bullet vibe with a nice smooth stretchy ring attached. It’s made from a buttery-smooth purple silicone, and seems not to attract too much lint, so that’s a good thing. It’s about 4.5” from the end of the ring to the tip of the bullet, and the ring itself is about 1.5” in diameter (though it can easily stretch much wider).

Charging Port

The toy is really easy to use. There is a power button on the top, and you just hold it for a few seconds to get things going. Once the toy is on, you can cycle through 3 different speed settings, and 4 different vibration patterns. To turn it off, just hold the power button again for a few seconds, and it shuts off, no matter which vibration cycle you’re up to.

The Joy-Ring is rechargeable, which is always a plus (have I mentioned how much I hate having to replace dead batteries in the heat of the moment? It's not my favorite way to spend my sexy-times), though the charging port was a little hard to find the first time I tried to plug it in. Here's a hint: it's the little depression under the DC stamp on the "back" of the vibrating portion of the ring (it looks like it’s been covered over with silicone, but you can get the charging cable in there… it just looks a little dirty…).

In Use

    Right away I noticed how the design has an impact on the function. The motor is housed in the middle of the bullet-section of the toy, which makes sense. What doesn’t make as much sense is the fact that the vibrations are mostly felt on the tip of the bullet-section, otherwise known as: not the part that’ll be touching my clit when it’s being worn on a cock (or dildo, or strap-on, etc.).
This wasn’t my favorite part of the toy, because while the vibrations are actually fairly strong, they don’t hit where I need them to hit. I could definitely feel the vibrations while my husband and I were having sex, and I enjoyed the feeling, but it wasn’t really enough to get me off by itself. That was okay though, because in conjunction with the thrusting of a cock (or dildo, strap-on, etc.) the vibrations felt reeeeaaalllly nice, and it added a fun buzzy feel to our sex.
My husband has told me repeatedly that he’s not a huge fan of vibrations on his cock, and he hasn’t particularly liked me trying any of my other vibrators out on him, but he liked this toy. It wasn’t that he enjoyed these vibrations more than other types, it was that he couldn’t really feel them all that much, and therefore, he didn’t mind them at all.

Here are some quick pros and what I’m calling pro/cons,

and then I’ll talk about a few features that stand out to me:

Pros:

• Holds a charge for a long time - like, a looong time
• There are 7 different speeds/vibration patterns and they’re easy to cycle through
• It’s really fun to watch!
• Smoooooth silicone - I just can’t stop touching it
• The indicator light matches the vibration setting, which makes me happy for some reason
• Waterproof - easy to clean up

Pro/Cons:

• Kinda looks like a bottle-opener
• Charging port can be hard to spot. The pro of this is that it blends in nicely, but uh… where do I charge it?
• Don’t know what the little metal bit on the side does - seriously, there is a little metal panel on the side of the toy, and I have no idea what it does… or if it even does anything
• Vibrations are in the tip which uh… doesn’t touch my clit while in use

The vibrations are nice and rumbly, and if they were just a bit more centered in the middle of the toy (the part that my clit presses against while in use), I think the highest setting would be enough to get me off.
Okay, so there’s this little metal panel on the side of the toy, and I honestly have NO IDEA what it does. I’ve tried pressing it, but it doesn’t seem to do anything. I’ve held it down while the toy is on (thinking it might be touch-sensitive), but that doesn’t do anything either. If it’s decorative, it’s asymmetric, and that’s kind of an odd design choice. So yeah… no idea. 
The Joy-Ring holds a charge for a long time, and that’s a good thing. I don’t generally want to have to think about if my toys are charged or not when I reach for them. I know that’s me being lazy, but the longer a toy can hold a charge, the more likely I am to reach for it and use it regularly.

Bottle-opener or cock-ring?

I think that’s about it. Overall, I really enjoyed this toy, and I’m glad that my first experience with a cock-ring was with such a nice, high quality toy. Knowing that the toy you're using is made of body-safe materials, and knowing that you don't have to run out to grab a new battery, makes such a difference when you're in the middle of sex or masturbating. 
I don't know that this'll be a cock-ring that we reach for every single time we have sex, but I do know that this is going to be the toy we reach for when we want some buzziness mixed in with our sexiness.

If you’d like to try the Joy-Ring for yourself, pick one up on amazon!

Thank you so much to AphoJoy for sending me the Joy-Ring in exchange for my honest review!

A "Unique" Opportunity

When she was asked to review a new "unique" condom, the ever resourceful Epiphora recruited the help of 16 "brave" souls, including yours truly, and compiled all of the data into one awesome piece of review.

So what are you waiting for? Go check it out!

So uh, yeah, I'm on Hey Epiphora... not like that's a big deal or anything *dying of joy*.

69 "O"s In A Row!

Okay, I'll admit that when I first picked up my copy of The Big Book of Orgasms, I went about reading it in entirely the wrong way.

Wrong, you say, how can that be?

Well you see, I'm the kind of person who feels compelled to read a book (any book) from cover to cover, starting at the beginning.

Now you might already see where this is going. Cover to cover is not always the best way to read a collection of different stories. And especially a collection such as this one, which is clearly meant to be browsed through at a leisurely pace.

You see The Big Book of Orgasms is exactly what it sounds like (except for the Big part, the book's actually perfectly compact), it's a collection of 69 short stories all featuring and focusing on the Big O. The stories cover a wide range of topics and situations. There are solos and couples and threesomes; straight, gay, bi, lesbian and everything in between. There's even a story about a girl getting freaky with a guitar amp! The authors are so creative with the different situations that they put their characters into, I have no idea how they all do it, but I admire the heck out of them.

I bet we can all figure out why there are exactly 69 stories in this collection, but one of the advantages of that is that there's something in here for almost everyone. Do you like BDSM? It's in there. An artist masturbating in public as part of a gallery show? It's in there. A gender-swaped couple? It's in there.¹ Random elevator hook-ups? They're in there!

Okay, I can tell you're waiting for me to just get to the good part already. Sure, there's variety, I can hear you saying, but is it hot?

Yes, yes it is. Or at least, a large percentage of the stories that I read are hot. Which is exactly as it should be. Like I said, there's something in this collection for almost everyone, thus conversely, there are some things in this collection that are not for everyone. Now, that's not to say that I came across any stories that were in any way offensive or out of line, not at all. But I did come across a few that were, to me at least, meh.

And that's fine! Like I said, not every story in this book is going to do it for every reader out there, that would be impossible. But out of the stories I read, I feel very comfortable saying that about 80% of them really turned me on, and that's a lot!

So in conclusion ladies, gentlemen, and people of all genders, what did I think of The Big Book of Orgasms? I freakin' loved it! This is a book that's going to stay a part of my permanent erotica collection. It's the kind of book that I'm going to (and have been) grab again and again when the mood strikes me. I'll flip around and find something new, or maybe return to a story that I've already read and loved. But whichever it'll be, I know that I'm going to enjoy this book for many orgasms to come!

Want to grab a copy of your own? You can pick up a copy of your own from Amazon.com, GoodVibes and many other fine retailers.

Thank you to Rachel Kramer Bussel (the editor of this fine work) 

for sending me my copy in exchange for my honest review! 

Thanks again to Rachel and Cleis Press!

^{1. In case you're curious, the story in question is "Remote Control" by Logan Zachary, and it's my favorite.↩}

Brand 'Spanking' New Plunge Paddle!

Okay, so a little while ago I was innocently browsing twitter, when I saw this:

Plunge & Spank! The new Plunge Paddle by @Tantus is here! http://t.co/a11pciaGU8 pic.twitter.com/QWOtRkVOYm
— SheVibe.com (@shevibe) November 19, 2013

I was... intrigued. So I responded thusly:

@shevibe @tantus Now there's an interesting concept!
— SeptimusReviews (@SeptimusReviews) November 19, 2013

The next thing I knew, SheVibe was asking me if I wanted a Plunge Paddle of my very own to review! How could I possibly say no? (hint: I couldn't) And before I knew it, I had a Plunge Paddle in my hands to use & review! So, let's get to it, shall we?

The brand-spanking new Tantus Plunge Paddle!

The Plunge Paddle by Tantus is a brand new silicone paddle with one very interesting feature... (can you guess what it is?) *pause for dramatic effect*  you can fuck it! *blank stares* Okay, I'll explain. The handle of the plunge paddle is actually a fully insertable dildo, that you can use just like you would use any other dildo...

The aforementioned tag

As soon as we took it out of the box we were chasing each other around the apartment, smacking each other's asses and laughing like fools. Well actually, that's not quite true. As soon as we took the paddle out of its box we noticed a very odd smell. It wasn't very strong, just sort of unpleasant. I contacted Jenna over at Tantus and was told that the smell was actually coming from the little plastic tag that came attached to the toy. We quickly cut it off and washed the paddle, and then the smell went away fairly soon after that.


Immediately after that, we ran around the apartment smacking each other like crazy people. Okay, so maybe I should mention the fact that I've never actually used a paddle before (I've also never had one used on me before). My husband and I have always been into some very light BDSM (hand-spanking, light rope play etc), but we've never actually invested in any real equipment. Which is why I jumped (quite literally) at the chance to try out an actual real paddle!

One of the very first things I noticed about the paddle is how... wiggly it is! I guess I was expecting something very solid, so I was surprised to see just how much the flat end of the paddle can move. But it makes sense, that mobility provides for a good solid smack! Take a look:

Wiggly, isn't it? (My husband wanted to do a full analysis of its mechanical properties, but he seems to have forgotten everything he learned about wave dynamics...) And like I said, that wiggle translates into a very satisfying smack on whichever body part you choose.¹ Personally, I've found that I love being bent over the bed and smacked right on the ass with this bad boy, and luckily my husband seems to love smacking me. There's a nice loud 'thwack!' every time, and it leaves a very pleasant sting behind on my behind.

One of the things that I really love about this paddle is that it works well for people with different levels of spanking experience. If, like me, you're new to BDSM or just simply don't like a lot of pain (also like me), then this paddle will work wonders for you! With a little practice² you (or your partner) can really control just how hard the paddle is going to come down, making for a wide variety in the sensation level. So conversely, if you're into a little more hard-core level of sensation, you can get there with this paddle.

The dildo end of the Plunge Paddle

But this isn't just an instrument of pain, it's meant to deliver pleasure as well. At least, it's meant to... The handle end of the paddle is a dildo, used for dildo-ing purposes. In theory, I love this feature. In practice uh, not so much. I'm going to be honest here, I've only used the handle part of the toy a few times. And it's not because holding onto the paddle in order to fuck yourself is awkward (though it kind of is), it's because of that hole...

Ugh, that hole...

Do you see it? Right there in the "head" of the dildo-end? It's where the tag was attached when we got the toy, but other than that, I really have no clue as to why there's a big old hole in the end of my dildo. Now, the walls of my vag aren't normally super-sensitive. I mean, I like some nice texture about as much as the next gal, but I'm not usually bothered be seems on toys or anything like that. But this silly little hole... UGH! I can't get over it. Not only can I feel it with every single thrust, it hurts! It's super uncomfortable. The first time I tried it, I had to tell my husband to stop after only a few moments, I just couldn't get myself to enjoy it.


Now I'm fully prepared to admit that this might just be me. You might get the Plunge Paddle and absolutely love getting fucked with it! Good for you, go for it! It's just not for me. Which is a shame, because the shape and length of the dildo end really look wonderful, and I really wish that I could love it as much as I want to. Luckily, the odd hole has zero impact on what an awesome spanking implement this is. So while I can't enjoy this paddle's every intended use, I can still love it for the amazing paddle that it is. Since the entire thing is "Ultra-Premium" silicone, it can of course be boiled to sterilize. As for keeping lint (and/or cat hair) off of it... heh heh, good luck!


If you'd like a Plunge Paddle of your very own, may I recommend SheVibe?

Thank you again to SheVibe, for sending me the Plunge Paddle in exchange for my honest review! Love you guys! :o)

<sup>1. For some odd reason, I actually really love being lightly smacked on the back with the paddle. It's like a massage. :o)
2. Practice makes perfect!</sup>

Beware the Kraken!

You're sitting alone in your apartment, maybe watching some TV, maybe reading a book. Suddenly you think you can hear some music, seeming to come from nowhere, and every where at the same time. You look up. "Hello?" you call out, "is anybody there?" The music is getting louder, it almost sounds like... no, it couldn't be... could it? Your heart starts to race, the music is getting louder and louder, and now you're absolutely certain that yes, it is the theme from Jaws.

Out of the corner of your eye you can see something cresting in the water (which is weird because there isn't usually an ocean in your apartment). Just as you open your mouth the scream it surfaces and you see that it's... a tentacle?

But not just any tentacle, a WhipSpider Rubberworks Tentacle!

This tentacle is easily one of the most beautiful toys that I own. The craftsmanship is exquisite, and it's very obvious that the folks over at Whipspider Rubberwoks take a lot of pride in their toys.

I've had my eye on this tentacle pretty much since I started getting involved with sex toys. I'll admit that at first I found it strange and bizarre, and I still think that both of those adjectives apply. But now, those are my adjectives, I love strange and bizarre. After seeing countless "life-like" dildos, it's always nice to see something a little bit different. And it doesn't get much more different than a tentacle now does it?

Now I know that tentacles might not be your thing, but hear me out, okay? Because this isn't just a work of art (though it certainly is that), it's also a highly functional dildo which can bring you endless oceans of pleasure (see what I did there?).

The tentacle is just about 6.5" if you measure from the base to the tip, but as you can see in the picture, it had a wicked curve (the better to hit your G-spot with) to it, so overall the length is more like 7-7.5" depending on how stretched out it is.

The girth also varies from about 3.25" in circumference at the tentacle's very tip to about 7" right before the flared base (the base is shaped like an oval, 2" x 3" in diameter). I know, that seems like a lot, and it is. If you're not into girthy toys, then this probably isn't the tentacle for you.¹

Like all Whipspider Rubberworks toys, the tentacle is made of 100% soft squishy (lint-loving) silicone. It's completely non-porus, and can safely be shared once it's been sterilized. (I recommend boiling it, and then standing over the pot and saying "mmm, calamari!")

But enough about specs, you guys probably want to know how this monster (sea-monster?) feels! Well, it feels a-mazing! See all of those little suction cups in the photo? They provides the walls of my vag with some much loved stimulation. If you're a fan of different and unique textures, you'll love this one! I can almost feel every single one of those cups when I'm getting fucked with the tentacle.
Speaking of fucking, because the toy is curved I sometimes have to sort of... twist the thing to get it in. And while that can be a little tiring for my wrists, it's soooo worth it! I end up reduced to a puddle of goo at the hands of the tentacle's twisty-textury-G-spotty goodness.

Sounds pretty good so far right? And I haven't even gotten to my favorite part yet.... Are you ready for it? Ready...? The tentacle GLOWS IN THE DARK! And when I say it glows, it GLOWS! It took me a bazillion tries to get a decent picture, but I had to let you guys see for yourselves just how awesome this thing looks:

Amazing huh? When I first got it, I literally couldn't stop staring. I mean, the colors of the tentacle are stunning to begin with, but then you take it in the dark and... Guh! Can't stop staring!

Okay... TL:DR, I love this toy! I love the shape, the color and the texture. I love that it glows in the dark, and I love that it's a freakin' tentacle (but I'm weird like that). I love that this is a toy that exists, and that I can own.

Are you sold yet? You can get one of your own direct from Whipspider Rubberworks for $79.99 (plus shipping, I'm assuming). Or check out all of the other cool/odd/awesome stuff they have. Want a butt-plug shaped like one of the Easter Island heads? They've got you covered.

Happy tentacle-ing!




P.S. For those of you who are wondering, yes, I have been listening to a lot of 'Welcome to Night Vale' lately, how could you tell?

^{1. Whipspider Rubberworks does make a more slender version of the tentacle, called (appropriately enough) the Slender Tentacle. According to their web-site, the base of that tentacle is only about 2.25" in diameter. ↩}