Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator

       Have you ever seen a toy and wondered if it would hurt or feel amazing? Because that’s what was running through my head when I first saw the Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator. I was intrigued both by the shape and the claims of intense “touch-free orgasms”. I had to have one, and Paloqueth was nice enough to send me one to review for ya’ll. So, without further ado…

The Sonic Sucking Vibrator

       First, let’s go over some basic stats and see what this thing looks like, shall we? It’s a sleek little thing, with soft purple silicone covering the part that you hold, and slightly stiff white silicone forming the bit that’s supposed to go around your clit (or nipple, or… whatever). There are two buttons (and I’ll get to them latter) that control the 7 patterns that you can cycle though. And that’s it. It’s a simple little toy without a lot of bells and whistles. It comes with instructions, and you’re encouraged to read through them, but it wasn’t all that hard to figure out what was supposed to go where.

The Paloqueth Sonic Sucking Vibrator on its fancy box

       I had to try it out almost immediately after I received it. So I went to my bedroom, put on some porn1 and got down to the serious business of getting myself off. I wasn’t sure if I should just… put the thing on my clit right away, or get myself a bit warmed up first, so I played around with a cordless wand I just got (more on that in another review!) before transitioning to the sonic sucker. And… holy crap. Here’s a direct quote from my wank journal2 from that day:

“I feel like it just sucked an orgasm out of my clit. It was really fast, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

       The sonic sucker claims to mimic oral sex, and I don’t know how accurate that is, but it certainly does have a suction thing going for it. When you put the little white bit around your clit (or nipple, etc.) it creates sort of a weak seal, which in turn creates suction because of the little piece moving back and forth inside the mouth (for lack of a better word).

       Now, there’s no direct contact with your clit (except for the white mouth that sits around your clit), what’s providing the sensation is actually the air moving and vibrating around it. 

       Paloqueth claims that this lack of direct stimulation lets you have more orgasms in a row, and I’m not really sure how that’s supposed to work. For me it’s usually the intensity of any individual orgasm that determines if I’ll be up for more and the orgasms I’ve had with this little toy are… intense. There might only be a loose seal, but the suction is strong and it got me off very, very quickly. Almost too quickly. I’m glad I warmed myself up with another toy, otherwise that particular session would have been over way too quickly for my liking. I wish there was some way to change the intensity setting. I can kind of manage that by just holding it a little further away from my clit, but then the seal breaks and I’ve got nothing. 

       The patterns help a bit with the intensity problem. There are 7 patterns to cycle through, and I actually enjoyed most of them. I’m not usually a pattern person; I tend to like steady strong vibrations to get me off, but the patterns here were fun and provided some much needed respite from the very direct suction action. 

       To cycle through the patterns you press the little emoji button, which, while cute, is a bit confusing. Like I said, this is overall a straight-forward toy. I can figure out what it’s supposed to do without any instruction. What I couldn’t figure out though, was how to turn it on. Earlier on I said we’d get back to the buttons, so let’s tackle them now.

A close-up photo of the buttons. The top one has the standard "power" symbol,
while the bottom one has a "heart-eyes" emoji
       There are two buttons, a power button and an emoji button. In order to turn the thing on, you press the power button, which seems straightforward, but the toy doesn’t actually do anything until you push the little emoji button to start cycling through the patterns. I found this very confusing, and spent some time thinking that mine was broken because I couldn’t get anything to work. This isn’t great design. After using it a few times I finally noticed that the buttons light up when you press the power button, indicating that the toy is in fact working. But still, if you’re visually impaired or just using this under the covers where you can’t see it, it’s hard to know that it’s even on. 

       Over all, I liked this toy and I’ll continue using it. It’s waterproof, and I have yet to try it in the shower, which seems like a shame. I’ll have to get on that! And I want to let my partner play with it and see if he enjoys using it on me. I think he will.

       My feedback for Paloqueth is that this toy would greatly benefit from some way to control the intensity. I have fun playing around with it, but it’s just too intense for me. I almost feel like I’m being forced to come. Which, admittedly, is sometimes fun. It could also use a button upgrade. Again, I don’t like that I couldn’t figure out how to turn it on without looking at the instructions. And if a user has a visual impairment, this is going to be a very frustrating toy to use.

       Thank you again to Paloqueth for sending me this toy so that I could give you guys my honest review of it! If you want to pick one up for yourselves, you can do so here! And if you want to check out their other products, you can do that here.

1 CrashPad episode 264 for those of you who are interested

2 Does anyone else have one of these? I’d love to hear about it!

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

LoveHoney PowerPlay 7 Function Vibrator

A little while ago LoveHoney reached out to me and asked if I’d be interested in reviewing one of their G-Spot vibrators, and since I’m a firm believer that one can never have too many vibrators, of course I said yes!
They kindly sent me the “Power Play 7 Function G-Spot Vibrator” and I didn’t waste any time testing it out.

Look at those curves!

After only a few sessions, I quickly accumulated a list of what I liked and what I didn’t. Overall, there’s a lot to like about this little vibrator, and for the price, it’s a pretty good choice.

So what did I like about it? I’m glad you asked!

First of all, it’s a G-spot vibrator that actually has a nice curve to it! And it does hit my G-spot pretty well. You’d think that this would be obvious, but not all my g-spot toys bend enough to actually hit the spot they’re aiming for. I know some of this is just natural variation in people’s bodies, but I’m happy I found one that fits me well.
Like the name suggests, it has 7 different patterns and speeds. I tend to prefer just solid, hard, vibrations, but sometimes it’s fun to change things up, and I know that lots of other folks like variation.
The vibrations weren’t enough to get me off on their own (I like many people with my same equipment, need clitoral stimulation to get off), but they felt great in combination with my Hitachi. And since the vibrator has that great curve, it stayed in place so I could hold my wand against my clit.
The silicone coating over the plastic body has a nice soft (if you know what I mean) feel to it. It’s a lot of fun to touch, and it feels nice and smooth when it’s inside me.
LoveHoney’s site claims that the toy is waterproof, but since it has batteries, I was hesitant to try that feature out. It was nice not to worry about splashing it during clean up though. And I got a great shot of the vibration pattern in my sink!

And finally, like I said before, this is a fairly cheap vibrator, which is great if you’re on a budget.

Now, what didn’t I like about it? Well…

Like I said before, it wasn’t strong enough to get me off on its own. I need clitoral stimulation, but even when I pulled it out and put the tip against my clit, I could tell it wasn’t going to get the job done. If (like me) you crave stronger vibrations, you might be a bit disappointed here.
And it runs on batteries, which I never seem to have. Looking around for batteries to test the toy out with, I had flashbacks to my college days when I would rob the TV remote and my game controllers to feed my vibrators. I wish it was rechargeable, but for the price it makes sense that it’s not.

Overall, this is a great little beginner vibrator. It’s slim and comfortable with lots of vibration settings so that you can figure out what you like and what you want. It’s easy to clean and small enough to store discreetly, unlike some other toys I could mention (I’m looking at you Hitachi), and the price is right. This would be a great toy for those just starting to get into sex toys, or college students living on a budget.

If you want one of your own to try out, you can pick one up from LoveHoney here.

Thank you again to LoveHoney for sending me this toy in exchange for my honest opinion. Thanks LoveHoney!

Sunday, March 19, 2017

AphoJoy Cockring

When I was contacted about reviewing a vibrating cock-ring 2 days after I’d decided to start blogging again, it seemed like some sort of cosmic sign. A big thunder-clap and lighting spelling out the message: “Yes, this is what you’re supposed to be doing”.
Okay, well maybe it wasn’t that dramatic, but when Lily Yu asked if I’d be interested in reviewing some toys for her company AphoJoy, I was really excited for the opportunity to start blogging and reviewing again! Before I go any further in this review, I just wanted to take a moment to thank Lily for giving me the kick-in-the-pants I needed to get my blog up and re-running. Thanks Lily.


I was particularly excited to review a cock-ring because, I’d never tried one before. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did at one point own a pink jelly cock-ring that ran on a watch battery. But my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) rightly refused to let it anywhere near his dick. Considering how weird it smelled, can’t say that I blame him.
This cock-ring, however, is in an entirely different class than my first crappy BOGO grab-bag piece of junk I’d got at some seedy sex store when I was too young to know any better. This cock-ring is beautiful, soft and smooth and so much fun to touch.

First Impressions

The Joy-Ring looks a little different from most other cock-rings I’ve seen and/or come across. Instead of being just a ring with a small vibrating portion stuck onto it, it looks more like a small bullet vibe with a nice smooth stretchy ring attached. It’s made from a buttery-smooth purple silicone, and seems not to attract too much lint, so that’s a good thing. It’s about 4.5” from the end of the ring to the tip of the bullet, and the ring itself is about 1.5” in diameter (though it can easily stretch much wider).
Charging Port
The toy is really easy to use. There is a power button on the top, and you just hold it for a few seconds to get things going. Once the toy is on, you can cycle through 3 different speed settings, and 4 different vibration patterns. To turn it off, just hold the power button again for a few seconds, and it shuts off, no matter which vibration cycle you’re up to.
The Joy-Ring is rechargeable, which is always a plus (have I mentioned how much I hate having to replace dead batteries in the heat of the moment? It's not my favorite way to spend my sexy-times), though the charging port was a little hard to find the first time I tried to plug it in. Here's a hint: it's the little depression under the DC stamp on the "back" of the vibrating portion of the ring (it looks like it’s been covered over with silicone, but you can get the charging cable in there… it just looks a little dirty…).

In Use

    Right away I noticed how the design has an impact on the function. The motor is housed in the middle of the bullet-section of the toy, which makes sense. What doesn’t make as much sense is the fact that the vibrations are mostly felt on the tip of the bullet-section, otherwise known as: not the part that’ll be touching my clit when it’s being worn on a cock (or dildo, or strap-on, etc.).
This wasn’t my favorite part of the toy, because while the vibrations are actually fairly strong, they don’t hit where I need them to hit. I could definitely feel the vibrations while my husband and I were having sex, and I enjoyed the feeling, but it wasn’t really enough to get me off by itself. That was okay though, because in conjunction with the thrusting of a cock (or dildo, strap-on, etc.) the vibrations felt reeeeaaalllly nice, and it added a fun buzzy feel to our sex.
My husband has told me repeatedly that he’s not a huge fan of vibrations on his cock, and he hasn’t particularly liked me trying any of my other vibrators out on him, but he liked this toy. It wasn’t that he enjoyed these vibrations more than other types, it was that he couldn’t really feel them all that much, and therefore, he didn’t mind them at all.

Here are some quick pros and what I’m calling pro/cons,
and then I’ll talk about a few features that stand out to me:

  • Holds a charge for a long time - like, a looong time
  • There are 7 different speeds/vibration patterns and they’re easy to cycle through
  • It’s really fun to watch!
  • Smoooooth silicone - I just can’t stop touching it
  • The indicator light matches the vibration setting, which makes me happy for some reason
  • Waterproof - easy to clean up

  • Kinda looks like a bottle-opener
  • Charging port can be hard to spot. The pro of this is that it blends in nicely, but uh… where do I charge it?
  • Don’t know what the little metal bit on the side does - seriously, there is a little metal panel on the side of the toy, and I have no idea what it does… or if it even does anything
  • Vibrations are in the tip which uh… doesn’t touch my clit while in use

The vibrations are nice and rumbly, and if they were just a bit more centered in the middle of the toy (the part that my clit presses against while in use), I think the highest setting would be enough to get me off.
Okay, so there’s this little metal panel on the side of the toy, and I honestly have NO IDEA what it does. I’ve tried pressing it, but it doesn’t seem to do anything. I’ve held it down while the toy is on (thinking it might be touch-sensitive), but that doesn’t do anything either. If it’s decorative, it’s asymmetric, and that’s kind of an odd design choice. So yeah… no idea. 
The Joy-Ring holds a charge for a long time, and that’s a good thing. I don’t generally want to have to think about if my toys are charged or not when I reach for them. I know that’s me being lazy, but the longer a toy can hold a charge, the more likely I am to reach for it and use it regularly.

Bottle-opener or cock-ring?

I think that’s about it. Overall, I really enjoyed this toy, and I’m glad that my first experience with a cock-ring was with such a nice, high quality toy. Knowing that the toy you're using is made of body-safe materials, and knowing that you don't have to run out to grab a new battery, makes such a difference when you're in the middle of sex or masturbating. 
I don't know that this'll be a cock-ring that we reach for every single time we have sex, but I do know that this is going to be the toy we reach for when we want some buzziness mixed in with our sexiness.

If you’d like to try the Joy-Ring for yourself, pick one up on amazon!

Thank you so much to AphoJoy for sending me the Joy-Ring in exchange for my honest review!

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Good Vibrations Pilgrimage!

Back in November, my husband was asked to attend a work-related conference in San Fransisco. Naturally, we jumped at the chance to leave the cold and miserable MidWest and head out to sunnier climes for a long weekend. We have family in the area, so there was another incentive to make the trip.

While hubs was at his conference, I spent a few days wandering around the city, doing all the touristy things. I took a tour of Alcatraz National Park, visited the Cable Car Museum (and got to ride on one!) and the SFMOMA. I even got a private tour of the American Bookbinders Museum (one of the city's hidden gems).

But no trip to San Fransisco would be complete without a pilgrimage to Good Vibrations! Our hotel was only a 20 minute walk from the Polk St. location, and while there was a store a little closer to us, we really wanted to see the Antique Vibrator Museum! (or at least, I really wanted to see it!) So we took a nice quick walk... uphill... the entire way... I mean, I know intellectually that San Fransisco is all hills, but it's different when you're actually climbing them.

But every minute of that climb was so worth it! It's been years since I've shopped for sex toys in person, and I didn't have the best memories of it (visiting seedy adult "novelty" stores as a young woman, feeling so unwelcome and out of place). Good Vibes was so different though! It was clean and well-lit, with a big sign outside proudly proclaiming the name of the store, and a big, open picture window. The selection was huge! And the staff were helpful, but not pushy. I quickly found a few toys that I wanted, but lingered to browse and enjoy myself. I didn't feel like I needed to grab my purchases and leave before I got creeped on.

 And.... and there was the antique vibrator museum! Which was just beyond cool. I was super impressed with how many antique and vintage vibrators they had, and how nicely they were displayed. It really was like a little museum!
It was neat to see some really old vibes, and some that looked... kinda familiar. I'm looking at you Hitachi Magic Wand!

All in all, my husband and I had a great experience at the store. It was worlds away from buying crappy jelly toys at the local adult bookstore when I was just a wee little thing. I really just felt like I was in any other store, picking up something that I needed/wanted. I didn't feel creepy, out of place or ashamed. I just felt happy, and glad to be there.

Thanks Good Vibes, for being such an amazing store, and an amazing place to buy toys. I probably won't be back to your brick-and-motor store(s) any time real soon, since I don't like in the right area, but next time I'm in the City by the Bay, you can bet I'll be stopping by!

Thanks again to the staff at the Good Vibrations Polk St store who were friendly and funny, and didn't mind me asking a lot of questions about the museum! You guys really made the experience memorable.

Also, if you're curious, I bought the Stronic Eins in purple and the Pop Tops Deluxe G-spotter, also in purple. I'll have reviews for both of them coming up in the next few months or so, so stick around!

Monday, February 20, 2017

Septimus Still Reviews!

So… Some of you might have noticed that I’ve been gone… for almost 3 years. That’s a long time, I know. But I promise, I have a good excuse. Or rather, excuses. (Why come up with one when I can come up with 3?) Anyway, here goes:

First of all, I was in grad-school. I know I had tweeted about that a few times, but grad-school kind of ate my for 2.5 years. It was… fun? I’m very glad that I stuck through it and finished my program, there was more than one point where I wanted to just say ‘fuck it’ and quit. But still she persisted, and after 2.5 grueling years, I now have a shiny Master’s Degree to show off (It’s a Masters in Library and Information Science, for those who are curious. And yes, I’m a librarian in my “real” life).

Second, depression. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I suffer from depression. I’m not on any medication at this time, but I’ve taken anti-depressants in the past, and I’ve also seen a therapist on and off since I was a kid. My depression hasn’t been bad in the last several years (moving out of my parent’s house really really helped), but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact my daily life.
For the most part, I’m fine. I can get through every day with little to no symptoms. But when I’m stressed (like, trying to write 2 papers and get my ass to work on time), my depression tends to be worse.

Excuse number 3, and it’s a big one: I have ADD. ADD and depression you say? Isn’t she lucky! Yeah… Anyway, I’ve been dealing with symptoms of ADD since I was in middle-school (and isn’t that just the best time of our lives?). It’s been mostly under control since I finished college, but then again, I haven’t had to write papers, and do reports and surveys, and keep track of my own deadlines as intensely as I had to when I was in school. And then, well, I went back to school. I was very impressed with how I did in grad-school, but it was because I hyper-focused on school and work. If it wasn’t a paper for school, or something that paid my bills, I couldn’t focus on it.
This is also tied in to my depression. When I slipped up, or fell behind on an assignment or work task, I got stressed, which made my ADD harder to deal with, and depressed me. Being depressed makes it harder to concentrate on tasks… and well, vicious cycle and all.

So, where does this leave poor Septimus? Not reviewing, that’s where. Not only does depression decrease your sex-drive (which makes it a lot harder to review sex toys), but it makes it harder to get and stay motivated to complete tasks at all. Plus, with me having to hyper-focus on school and work, there just wasn’t a lot of time for me to be blogging.

TL;DR? I let my blog slip over the last few years because of grad-school and the ADD symptoms and depression that can with it. I lost my domain and stopped blogging at all. Luckily, I had all of my reviews and was able to re-publish them on blogger.

I’d been thinking about getting back into blogging since I finished school in December, but a week or so ago I was approached about reviewing a new toy from a company I already love. That was the kick-in-the-pants I needed to get my blog back up and running.

What can you look forward to here?

A new toy review coming soon (I hope)
A write-up of my pilgrimage to the Good Vibrations store in San Fransisco
A renewal of my own domain (though it might be slightly different - update your links!)
And much more!

Stay tuned folks, I’m back.


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